Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
I pitcher us together forever.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.