My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
Water you doing, my friend?
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”