What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale