Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.

What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.

What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!

What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.

Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.

How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.

I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"

Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."

What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell

My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak

What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!

My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.

Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!

Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."

- Ray Romano

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.

The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"

What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.

I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.

What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.

Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.

Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.

I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!

But it didn't effect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me...

Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.

Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque

The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.

What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.

What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.