What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Can you drive my car?
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
We have great chemis-tree.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
My fridge is hotter than you.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.