The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Some bunny loves you.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”