“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.