Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Gold riddance.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Let's Taco about love.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
It’s Fall coming back to me now.