If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
Icy what you did there.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.