It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I can't let it be until I get your number.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.