“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld

Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.

“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.

Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.

What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.

Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.

How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated

What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.

Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!

Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!

On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?

You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...

A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!

Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.

What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!

What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?

I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.

Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.

The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.

Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.

What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer

He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.

When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.

Cell phones are a static symbol.