To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Baby you make my telescope expand.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.