Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!