Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!