Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Birch, please.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you