What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
We're donion rings.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.