I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
You're quite the catch, baby.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.