When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.