I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
All punts are highly intended
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
You make my heart skip a beet.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Join us for plenty of play action.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
"For peep's sake."
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!