I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Love me do
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.