What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.