There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
How much will $20 get me?
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
I dreamt about you. You died.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.