What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.