I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Seas the day.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
You dropped something. My jaw.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.