"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
The ocean made me salty.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Love me till ice cream.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown