How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Everybody romaine calm.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
All things must grass.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.