A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.