Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
I'm the life of the paddy.