So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I can turn your software into hardware.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks