County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.