I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Crowing, crowing, gone.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I find my core strength in you.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!