I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
It was mitten in the stars.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.