If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
You set my heart bonfire.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.