A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.