“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.