What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Calm before the score
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...