Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
"I wood never leaf you."
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Beer-lieve it or not!
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.