If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.