A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Metaphors be with you.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
How rude-olf of you.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !