If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
Want to become my new personal best?
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
Beer-lieve it or not!
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!