Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.

Went camping last night. It was in-tents.

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.

You’re the cutest clover in the patch.

Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.

The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.

“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”

- Hebrew Proverb.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.

What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!

The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.

Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"

Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.

Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.

What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea

My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"

The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.

Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.

My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.

Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.

Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.

Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)

I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.

What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.

I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.

“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”

Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.

What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store