Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.

What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.

You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…

What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!

Windmills? I’m a huge fan!

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.

What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.

I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.

I love you and I ain’t lion.

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”

- Andy Richter.

What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.

Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”

– Bill Watterson

Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.

If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.

“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown

Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"

What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet

What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters

Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson

When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.

“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”

When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.

What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.

“Dachshund Through the Snow.”

I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.

Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.

According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.