When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
God was just showing off when he made you.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
This is snow laughing matter!
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
Avoid pier pressure.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.