Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Whale, hello there.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.