I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
That was thaw-some!
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.