If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
I feel like we're in tune
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
I wood never leaf you.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms