My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Practice safe text: use commas.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.