Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
I “lub” you.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?