The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.