As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes