I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
You're as hot as a desert summer.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.