I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Composers always score.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!