When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln