"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.