Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
If you were here, Abby all over you
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph