Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions

Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.

What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.

Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.

Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.

You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.

“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx

“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”

- Ewan McGregor.

I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.

What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.

Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.

What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.

"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."

- Ralphie May

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.

Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious

I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers

Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.

What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas

Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.

What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!

What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.

You had me at cello.

What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!

Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.

My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.

What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.

Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!