A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
I'm pine-ing for you.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
This foundation is rock salad.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.