Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Funny meat-ing you here.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."