Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"