What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Sleigh, what?!
The pint’s the limit.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
So … do you run here often?
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted