Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.