What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
You look like trash, may I take you out?
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
"No wine left behind."
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
If you were here, Abby all over you
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.