Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
He’s my pinch charming.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Summer is just floating by.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.