Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.