In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
"Love the wine you're with."
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!