My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.