Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.