The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Drink happy thoughts.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Water you doing on [date]?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.