Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
"It's wine o'clock."
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
The calm before the score
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
You’re my heartthrob.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Treat yo'elf.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
It’s worth a shot.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
"I don't tan. I burn"
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.