What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.