How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
We make a great pear
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Time to celery-brate.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.