You are one well-defined function!
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
We have great chemis-tree.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.