Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.