My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
I hope for world peas.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I love you meow and forever.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I like you, you croc my world.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits