Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.