What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi