What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Are you a model?
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Fresh French fried fly fritters