Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Burst into cheers!
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Time to celery-brate.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer