What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

I like you, you croc my world.

My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.

Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.

Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.

Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?

How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.

After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.

"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes

Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!

Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.

Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."

How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.

Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.

I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.

I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.

What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

You're acute Valentine.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”

You feta have a gouda birthday.

What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.

Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.

My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.

“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas

My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.

"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"

“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”

– Dylan Thomas

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."

- Swami Satchidananda

What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.

Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.

What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.

What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?