A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.