I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.