At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.