The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I less than three you.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I am a mean green machine.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.