"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I would part the Red Sea for you.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I C Major potential in us getting together.