I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
The weather outside is snow joke.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
It's lit.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!