Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
"Bone to be wild."
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.