Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Gold riddance.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure