I’m very frond of you.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Whale, hello there.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.