What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown