Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Best in snow.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
I’m soy into you.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.