"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.