When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Mooning is very ASStrological
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
"No wine left behind."
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.