“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Where my prose at?
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.