Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Make it rein.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Your good weed for the day.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
You set my heart bonfire.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
"Just one hot chick."
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.