The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
I love when you coddle me.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Long thyme no see.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!