The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!