I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
We bee-long together.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
Rebel without a Claus.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".